


i'd give anything, and everything

by ningningbin



Series: lovers of the seasons [2]
Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: About Time AU, Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Park Jongseong | Jay is Whipped (ENHYPEN), Side SunSun, Time Travel, actually the themes in this are just heavy in general, fast burn, fuck it, is the summary grammatically accurate, jay makes bad decisions, rated t for cursing, they're all aged up, you're reading jay's stream of consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ningningbin/pseuds/ningningbin
Summary: Jay comes to realize that he's running out of time with the most beautiful person he's ever met, and he does everything he can to make things right by time traveling to every possible universe there could be. If there's one thing you should know, it's that this is everything but a love story.or,he watches Jungwon fall out of love with him for every single reason he used to love Jay for.
Relationships: Kim Sunoo/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Yang Jungwon
Series: lovers of the seasons [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143557
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	i'd give anything, and everything

**Author's Note:**

> consider this a cousin to 'to all that's inexplicable'. if tati discusses the possibility of fate changing with every decision you make in life, igaag deconstructs the whole idea ;-; but it's all up to interpretation! i'm excited to hear what yall think!! 
> 
> ***THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY, IT'S A STORY ABOUT LOVE (this is me being a contemplative poser)***
> 
> -this is really not what you're expecting probably  
> -this is going to be confusing, because of the non-linear narrative aspect to it  
> -this is going to hurt in all the right places  
> -as usual, i promise this is a comfort fic  
> -death of minor character (OC, family member, please be warned)
> 
> THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD YALL i literally wrote this is two days and it's unbetaed.

Seven point eight billion people in this world.

Do you know how hard it is to collide with the right person at the right time? Look—even chemical reactions work this way... you have your reactants, desperate to work things out to get to the products. You could meet in a collision, but there are other factors that hinder a successful outcome. Either of you could lack the right amount of energy, or maybe you don't clash in the right orientation and you don't fall into each other's arms like it's home.

That's alright. Those are bound to happen—right?

Those are the ' _maybes'_. The ' _could've beens'._ The ' _what-if'_ s that keep you up at night and forget when you wake.

That's Park Donghyuk from Class Three in tenth grade that Jay never got to confess to before the boy had ultimately moved away; his ex-turned-best friend Sunghoon, whom he'd discovered he doesn't fight as much with when they stayed as just friends. Everyone you meet in your life has a place in your story, you just never know how long they get to stay. Perhaps they arrive in the form of a nameless extra you don't so much as glance at while you're out one day getting your morning coffee. Maybe their cameo ends after one line. Some stay till the very end, but not often.

Point is, it's hard enough as is to meet people who stay.

Jay has met Jungwon—and that should be enough. 

Except, it just isn't. He keeps seeing the love bleed out from Jungwon's warm, brown eyes and he convinces himself that it'll be different every single time. And each time, nothing changes and they end up like this again.

If there's one thing that he's learned about fate, it's that it's one stubborn motherfucker.

See, the firstborns of every generation in their family have a special ability to travel back in time. Rules are simple—you only get to time travel back to places you've seen and experienced yourself, and according to his father, it's really not worth it to strike the jackpot three times in your lifetime and retire at thirty. Jay thinks that's bullshit, because he'd rather be devastatingly rich and be able to wipe away his tears with wads of cash than be happy and struggling. But so far, he's abided by all the rules, lived his life fairly. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't abuse his powers to gain some unfair advantage, he doesn't do _anything_ that might even upset the balance of the Universe.

Really, he'd never had any reason to even _think_ about it before—

Until he met one Yang Jungwon.

As terribly cliched as it sounds, love really _did_ change everything for him.

Jay has met Jungwon, and that should be enough. Except it isn't, because Jay has learned the taste of Jungwon's mouth, knows how to look for the mirth in the edge of his every frown. He understands what Jungwon's smiles entail—the silencing of clocks, the drowning out of birdsongs, even if they aren't accompanied with the familiar sound of his laughter. Jay knows how to find the smiles in Jungwon even if they aren't on his lips, either. They're present in the bounce to his steps when he's gotten all excited, even more glaring a presence when he talks with a lilt, so animated that his dimples look a certain way. It isn't every day you run into the eighth wonder of the world and get to learn the weight of his hand in yours.

And now it's all Jay wants to hold.

Hold onto.

As far as Jay's concerned, this is the sixth time they're doing this. To Jungwon, it's only the first.

And it never gets easier. He's sitting on the barstool at their kitchen island, and the light reflecting off of the marble countertops are drilling a white hole into his eyes, one so bright that he could see it when he closes his eyes. He takes his glasses off and presses his sleeve to them like he isn't crying but he is. He is, because Jungwon doesn't know that Jay's about to sit through another long, painful speech about how he's no longer enough, about how they aren't _compatible._ At least the events are transpiring at home this time... Jay isn't too fond of breaking down in the public, squatting down next to the fire hydrant to have something to hold onto.

Jungwon's all the way on the other side of the space like he can't stand being in close proximity to Jay. Nervous, frantic fingers dance at his hips, like an invisible jolt of electricity is snaking through them. "It's not that I don't love you anymore, Jay..." _Bless Jungwon_ —he's always gotta try and make this easier for the both of them, even when there's no easy way to break up with someone who still thinks you hung the moon.

He lowers his arm so he can commit this one to memory, too. He needs to see Jungwon clearly, even if his edges are blurred because he's looking at his beautiful boy through a film of tears.

"You're breaking up with me." It's not an accusation. But Jungwon takes it like it is.

He crosses his arms and tears his eyes away to look up, like even coffered ceilings are much more interesting than Jay. "This is exactly why we can't be together anymore," he says softly, shaking his head gently. Jay wants another hug, wants to pull Jungwon into his chest and circle his arms around the boy's waist to show them that this is how they fit one last time: _perfect._ They're made like they were molded as one and split apart before their clay fully dried. But Jungwon's not looking at him like Jay's his other half—he's looking at the older boy like one huge collection of all the little ways in which Jay irritates him now. "You're always talking, always— _just._ You never stop when I need you to. It's like you don't take my feelings into consideration at all!"

"So this is just about you not wanting me to open my mouth around you, then?"

Jay knows he's accelerating them towards their demise when he says that, but he really can't help it. He just wants this scene to be over so he can retreat into the darkest corner of their apartment and go back to where the problem started manifesting itself. To mitigate things, make them right so Jungwon can see that Jay's willing to change _everything_ so they could be together again.

"No, Jay, _fuck!"_ Jungwon loses the fraying threads of his temper and even the rage that contorts his features hides the same sense of familiarity that Jay finds his sanity in. " _This_ is the problem! This isn't how we fell in love—we aren't the same people anymore. Especially not around each other."

"That's just life," Jay tells him, pursing his lips into a stubborn line, "people change, and we aren't an exception to that."

"Why can't you just _listen_ for once?" Jungwon's fists are clenched, the corners of his mouth quivering. There's a lock of his hair that's misplaced.

These are all the little details you miss out on when you can only live through something once, and Jay's made it his mission to hoard all these little fragments of Jungwon from shattered pieces of different universes to complete the masterpiece in his head.

"I'm listening now," he says through gritted teeth.

"So _listen._ And actually _hear me_ when I tell you that I don't like who I've become around you. And it isn't going to do _either_ of us good to stay in a relationship like this, not when I don't even recognize you anymore. I don't even _know myself_ , and that scares me more than anything..."

"You understand that just because we break up now, it isn't going to revert you back to the person you were before we met?"

Jungwon falters, and suddenly his anger melts into a sad smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. He looks like a mother trying to explain to a child something they refuse to comprehend. "It still doesn't give me a reason to stay. You know why I'm saying this, Jay. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation." Jay wants to scoff, wants to tell him, _if only you knew._ "I-I keep _telling_ you these things... I go out my way to create openings where we can sit down and talk things out and it just doesn't work. Maybe it's time we take a hint."

"We worked this out before," he insists, padding over to Jungwon to catch his wrist, brushing his thumb over the boy's pulse point to feel his heartbeats.

They're steady. Nothing like his own erratic pace.

Jungwon's softer hands settle over his own. There's no love in his eyes—they only hold pity, tender and worn with sorrow. Like the entire world is keeping a secret from Jay that only he doesn't know. He doesn't let his fingers curl over Jay's, doesn't make any move to reconcile. What he does instead, is gently unlatch Jay's death-grip on his arm. "We never worked shit out, Jay. And we're never going to. It doesn't matter if we do this a thousand times—we're just going to pretend like we solved something we didn't."

And then Jungwon's leaving, gathering his jacket and keys and wallet. He'd come back another day to retrieve the rest of his things. And as Jay watches him walk out for the sixth time, it strikes him that the younger boy was always going to be the one to move out, because Jungwon is the only one between them who's capable of doing so.

Still, he wants to know.

"Won-ah."

It halts Jungwon in his steps. The door's kept open because the boy's got his foot wedged in the gap to keep it from slamming shut. He's looking at Jay like he's asking, _what?_

Jay doesn't know how to say it. How do you tell someone, ' _nothing, just wanted to call you that one last time'?_

That would mean accepting this broken fate.

And that's not something Jay's going to do. Door clicks shut, there's a moment of silence before Jay, like clockwork, storms down the hallway in the direction of their closet. He makes it there, takes a deep breath to compose himself, and squeezes his eyes shut, forcing himself to focus on the jagged point of a memory he knows like the back of his hand. It hurts, the lights are blinding, and suddenly, there's nothing.

Jay adjusts the rearview mirror, then sneakily moves it so that he can catch a glimpse of Jungwon. The boy's already looking at him—their eyes meet, and they both flush with embarrassment and look away at the same instant.

This is the seventh time he's going on his first date, and nothing takes away the magic of having Jungwon in his passenger seat, looking ethereal in a fresh black shirt tucked into jeans. His Converse are new—something he doesn't learn until their third date. It'd made Jay smile all the way home that night, knowing that Jungwon had bought a pair of new shoes just for their first real outing as... _something._ Something that's a little more than friends.

Turns out, they've known each other for ages. Jay had just never thought to link the starry-eyed Jungwon he knows and loves to the youngest son of his mother's best friend from the deepest trenches of his locked-up memories. The ones he doesn't revisit, ever. They only found out when Jungwon's car had broken down one night and Jay had to drive him home, and strangely enough, he seemed to remember all the turns and directions before the younger boy had to point them out. The ride descended down this eerie path pretty quickly, with Jungwon panicking and thinking that Jay was a stalker and the latter mirroring his frantic panic because _how does he know all this?_

Then Mrs. Yang came bustling out the door, face wreathed with worry having received her son's messages, and visibly grew lax as soon as she got a good look of Jay.

She'd even invited him in, and showed them the _sharpie_ marks marring the white tiles of their kitchen where Jay used to measure their heights. They decided that Jay's mother brought him over so frequently back in the days, there must be a part of his brain that retained all the directions even after they stopped dropping by.

Jay has a good joke about it now, and he turns, preparing to say it aloud when he belatedly realizes that he can't.

This Jungwon doesn't know that yet.

The smile falls off his mouth slowly, and Jay turns his eyes to the sky overhead and waits for his cue.

"Most people don't take their dates out to... _whatever_ this is, you know?" Jungwon drops casually, but Jay hears and recognizes the smile in his voice.

"Well, most people recycle date ideas from forums online, taking opinions from random strangers on the Internet," he counters.

"Ahh, I get what this is." Jungwon gives a mocking laugh, "so you're one of those people, then— _not like the other guys?"_

"I'm saying that I'm here to give you a once in a lifetime experience," Jay assures the boy. The words arrive so easily to his lips, he doesn't even have to rack his brain for clues on what to say next anymore. He just has to make minor adjustments between every other line to perfect them, on top of tweaking his behavior so as to not let himself slip up, not even once. This is how he's going to win Jungwon back—by wearing the right clothes, saying the right things at the right times, and shutting up when necessary. Jay doesn't drum his fingers against the steering wheel anymore—bitter experience has taught him that while Jungwon will find this hot and attractive initially, it slowly festers into a pet-peeve that'll irritate him to no end. He also doesn't walk like he's trying to shake the earth with his footsteps, doesn't leave his sentences half-formed and hanging in the air incomplete.

Jay's not going to wreck his relationship with a million _'what-if's_ ' left unexplored and a thousand roads not traveled.

He's going to re-do this till he gets everything right and fate decides that he's tried hard enough, that he deserves a happy ending with the boy of his dreams.

"So far, this isn't really shaping up to be a _once-in-a-lifetime_ experience," the boy teases, illustrating his words by moving his hands in an arc above his head. When he giggles, Jay can't help but smile fondly, reminded of every reason why he can't fail.

He'd be losing _this_ —bunched up cheeks, head set at a forty-five-degree angle like he's recoiling or shying away from being tickled.

He's not going to fuck up again.

"Okay, so, this is where I give my introductory speech—"

Jungwon interrupts him here, always does: "This is starting to feel like a pyramid scheme. _Are you_ trying to sell me something now?"

" _Listen,"_ he presses, and Jungwon does. "So, _years_ ago, I went to this sculpting class. And it doesn't matter why, and truthfully I don't remember the reason myself. Thing is, I walked in at the right time, just as the instructor was talking about how there are invisible lines on everyone's faces."

"Lines?"

"Lines," he reaffirms. "How do I say this? There are seams, all around someone's face. Where the eye starts and ends... where you have to start tracing the curve of a browbone that melts into the rest of the structure. It's all very confusing stuff he talked about, all worded in a very roundabout way that I didn't understand because I have not a _single_ artistic bone in me— _but_. There's this one thing that stuck with me the most. He said that-that the hardest lines to distinguish are the ones that mark the edges of our lips, but they're there. Only if you search for it. You look for something hard enough, and you'll eventually find it. And when you do, it makes every tear you've shed over failed attempts worth it in the end. Leaves your head spinning and palms tingling with sweat."

Jungwon's entranced, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted.

"I'm not an artist by any means, but it's a beautiful thing to ponder, isn't it? That once you find something, you can't just choose to stop noticing its presence."

_The first day I found you beautiful, I haven't looked anywhere since._

"So we're here because..."

"Because there's this moment. During dusk, when the sun sets and— _gah,"_ Jay groans into his hands, embarrassed. "Okay, I'm done being a contemplative poser. I don't know how to describe it but it just _happens._ And when it does, it's the craziest thing you'll ever see."

There are better ways to word it, make it sound more breathtaking. But Jay's changed enough that he likes to keep things as similar as can be.

There's something reassuring about letting things take their natural course, or rather, in this case, go down the same route they went the first time. Because Jay likes to think that Jungwon would've fallen for him anyway, even if he never had time on his side. He's lost a lot of moments due to the little adjustments he makes, instances that he would've liked to keep reliving.

Still, there are lots of things that stay the same.

Like this: there's a sudden movement in the clouds that break their stare and turn gazes skyward instead. The mauve-dyed clouds were all edged in light, if only for a few seconds, before the dusky sky falls away with the setting star—the biggest one mankind has ever seen—and paving the way for a million more. The color deepens continuously and Jay feels his heart swelling, because halfway through, he's chosen to miss the part where orange-reds meets the greys and blues to like bursts of colors spreading in a glass of water. He's chosen time and time again to look at Jungwon instead, because this is the part where something comes alight in his eyes and you see the fine line that separates his lips from the rest of his face twitch, nudged into a starstruck smile.

Sunsets suck the colors out of everything, so much so that everything else pales in comparison. Not Jungwon, though.

The boy doesn't ever appear less radiant. Not even for a second—just. Never.

And Jay will choose to fall in love with him in this exact moment again, and again, and again.

He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they're walking down the streets of Jungwon's quiet, dimly-lit neighborhood. Jay trails by a car parked on the sidewalk and peers into the side mirror and tries to fix his hair discreetly as best as he can. Even with the unflattering lighting, Jungwon doesn't suffer under it. He looks as pretty as ever, plush red lips against smooth pearly skin, dark eyes that smile with the dimples on his cheeks.

Jay takes care to not talk as much this time, but he thinks he might be boring Jungwon a little.

_Jungwon._ Won-ah. Wonnie.

Sweetheart. Pretty, _dimples_.

He looks at Jungwon like he wants to tell him, _I can't wait to be able to call you all those things._

This Jungwon hasn't known him long enough to be able to decipher what this look means.

He remembers this moment exactly, knows what he was thinking the very first time he went on this third date right down to the most trivial, insignificant of thoughts. Jay had been thinking, _if only I could travel forward in time. If only I could see the future. I'd want to know all the things about you that I don't know yet, wanna know where we end up._

They haven't even kissed yet, and Jay had already been daydreaming about watching this boy walk down the aisle towards him.

"I didn't think you were this quiet when we first met," Jungwon admits.

There's a sharp stabbing in Jay's heart. _You're going to come to hate that about me._

You could say his smile buffers.

Maybe there's a small part of him that wants Jungwon back. The one he's gone to hell and back with, the one who knows how to cradle Jay in his arms and lull him to sleep. The one who's learned when to call him _Jongseongie_ , or _Jong-ah._ Even if that Jungwon comes with a heart pumped full of little fractions of pent-up frustration and resentment that layered each other to a breaking point.

Jay knows Jungwon so well, that he doesn't recognize this Jungwon anymore.

The one standing right before his eyes.

It doesn't make him love the boy any less, it's just different.

"I feel like it's hard to... say the right things around you."

Jungwon stops swinging his arms and he jumps to obstruct Jay's path. Sun's setting, casting this glow that brushes a golden glaze over the edges of his face, sweeping down his nose and jaw, highlighting the depth of his dimples even more. Jay wants to cry. He's thinking, _well, this is new. This side of you is new._ Jay's fingers ache with the want of reaching up to thumb over the divots on either side of his pouty mouth, but he doesn't. "I don't want that, _ever. Y_ ou know, I don't wanna hold your hand and walk in silence and ever have to question if you're holding something back."

"Can't help it," he confesses. "It's too easy to mess up."

"Then mess up!" Jungwon declares, waving his hands in the air, executing a spin on his heels. The breathy sound of the giggle that escapes his throat is the prettiest thing Jay's ever heard. "We're bound to make mistakes—that's the thrilling part about living only once!"

So why does Jay keep messing up repeatedly, when he's had more chances than others to make things right?

He catches Jungwon's hand and pulls the boy into his chest, steadying him with another arm around his waist.

"Am I messing up right now?" he asks Jungwon, breath caressing the shell of the younger boy's ear.

"You would be, if you don't make a move right now." His smile is infectious. All the stars are in his eyes, morning or night.

Jay cups Jungwon's right cheek, and leans in to kiss him chastely. It's a kiss like first snow—you don't feel it at first, because you've been looking forward to it all year, so it _must_ be a figment of your imagination, one conjured out of overwhelming longing. But then you feel the slight pressure of a snowflake's fall pillowed by the heel of your hand and you understand that it's finally here.

Jungwon speaks against his lips, "Those shoes I wore on our first date?"

"Yeah?"

"Those were new. I bought them just for you. Kinda." Jungwon's flushed with both the adrenaline kick of having his first kiss with Jay and the embarrassment of blurting out the first thought off the top of his head. "I _definitely_ just messed up by ruining the moment."

"No," Jay promises him, "you just made it better."

Non-talkative Jay doesn't even make it to a year with Jungwon.

According to the younger boy, he doesn't mess up enough. Or at least, that's Jay's main takeaway from their argument.

"So let me get this straight—you're faulting me for being faultless? How the hell does that even work?" he demands, unable to keep his cool this time round. He's on the other side of the bed, watching as Jungwon empties his stuff out from the chest of drawers right under the window. They haven't even moved in together this time—never got their own place.

Jay's trying to defuse this situation, but in reality, all he's doing is making things worse.

That itchy sweater Jungwon keeps complaining about, but never actually got around to throwing, is folded calmly on their unmade bed before being shoved into his red duffel bag.

"It's not about that, Jongseong," he says, exasperated that his train of thoughts keeps running into brick walls because of Jay. "It-It's _me._ Let's just say it's me."

"What? _No,"_ Jay all but dashes to the boy's side in one final attempt to salvage this. " _Nonononono—_ this is supposed to be _me._ I'm the problem here."

Jungwon shakes him off. He's not even looking at Jay.

"What are you even talking about, Jay? Just let go."

_Just let go._

Jay breathes out shakily, palms sticky with sweat. No. He storms out the room before the scene can even end, and rushes into the wardrobe in the guest bedroom, clenches his fists so hard, the half-ring of blood-red crescents appears instantly. The dark is starting to hurt as much as the glare of oncoming car headlights.

"I don't know, Jay," Sunghoon's face is buried in his hands and he moans like a bear howling for food after coming out of hibernation. "Do you think I should call him?" His best friend is oblivious, too—of course he is. He doesn't know half of what Jay does. But that's going to change soon. Because this is the day he meets Yang Jungwon. Well technically, they haven't met _yet,_ but they will. The beating thing in his heart is still cracked open, and there's some kind of unexplained resentment he's feeling for Sunghoon, who doesn't know he's nursing a heartbreak over some guy he hasn't met in this timeline.

"Not when you look like this," Jay tells the guy truthfully. "You look kinda shit now."

"Gee, thanks," Sunghoon snarls, then pulls his milkshake right out of Jay's hands. "Stop drinking my stuff and order your own." He wants to, but he's tried everything on the menu and half the stuff isn't worth coming back for a second time. Jay looks at the shiny fifteen-dollar price tags imprinted next to pictures of the drinks and scrunches his nose. Silently, he folds the menu back and slides it to the side. "Stop being so cheap, Park. You're literally filthy rich."

Jay makes a face. "I'm also not about to pay fifteen bucks for some _shitty_ drink, _Park._ "

Sunghoon's eyes widen and he slaps the table. "Can you, like, _keep it down_ when you say stuff like that? It's literally embarrassing to draw attention to us when you're being rude."

"Well then don't set it up so that I have an opportunity to be rude," he snaps back.

His friend leans back into the booth and purses his lips, and Jay knows he's doing the _I-know-you-too-well_ scan. Up and down, followed by the rolling of his eyes, then a smirk. "You _so_ got rejected today."

_Even worse,_ he wants to say, _I got broken up with in the future._

"Well, don't tell me _._ I need all the good relationship vibes around me to ask Sunoo out. Do you think he's even interested in guys?"

"He is."

"What, you're so sure about it?"

Jay's heart thuds on with revulsion, mounting by the second. _Can he do this_? It's fair, isn't it? The two of them have had enough happy endings—all Jay wants is to have a taste of that, too. He doesn't understand why there's this strange certainty in his head that this is going to make all his problems blow away. But he's going to have to find the courage to say it first. He's thought about this for sure—nights on end, when he's crying so hard that holding bunched-up sheets to his chest no longer makes him feel better. No article is warm enough to feel like Jungwon's embrace.

It's Jungwon he's thinking about when he looks at Sunghoon and says, "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't."

It doesn't seem like much, but it's going to change their whole collision course entirely. Sunoo is about to wiped out from the future pages of Sunghoon's story completely, decades of history erased, and the latter doesn't even realize it now.

Jay's heart is clenching with hurt and his stomach is lurching. He hasn't eaten all day but it feels like he has more to throw up now than he did last night, when he actually had dinner. He knows this, _why_? Because this was exactly what he said to Sunghoon before, and it was exactly those six words that lost his best friend the chance to find happiness in love. If soulmates existed, Jay's pretty sure that Sunoo is Sunghoon's split-apart, and vice versa. But perhaps this was the Universe's rule of balance: if Sunghoon has Sunoo, then Jay can never be with Jungwon. Maybe.

That's what he'll tell himself tonight to sleep better.

A love story that could be ruined by six simple words—is it one worth investing in, in the very first place?

Jay grips the table _hard_. His knuckles turn bone-white, heart sinking a thousand miles an hour.

The wheels in Sunghoon's head are turning. He won't call Sunoo tonight, and he's going to tell himself that he needs more time. And he won't call the boy next week, either. In fact, he'll never get to call Kim Sunoo, not till Sunoo returns from his trip to Japan two months later when his heart's been given to a certain Ni-ki.

Jay's not going to fix it this time.

Meeting Jungwon for the first time is nothing short of a miracle.

Had he not gone back that day to convince Sunghoon to _call_ Sunoo (he'd even sat himself down and sat through a painfully awkward one-hour-long conversation between the two guys to monitor the situation and make sure nothing goes awry), he wouldn't even run into Jungwon... Except, today, even with Sunghoon moping alone, resigned to his room buried under bundles of blankets, Jay knows exactly where he has to go.

When he arrives, he's sure that he has the right place because the peeling yellow leather couch in the front yard is pretty hard to miss. Also, Heeseung is already hanging over the porch with a drunk Jake on his arm. He speeds up his steps, taking the bite of the frosty air right in the face, but it doesn't matter. Somewhere in there, burrowed deep in the mass of sweaty bodies, is one Yang Jungwon poring over puzzle pieces, trying to desperately drown out the noise by yelling the lyrics to his favorite songs at the top of his lungs. It's weird, sure, but who present at any of Heeseung's parties isn't a little bit weird?

"I told you not to let him drink too much," he chides Heeseung as soon as they're within hearing distance.

"Two shots and he's out," Heeseung sighs and shakes his head, "I really believed him when he said that his alcohol tolerance got better."

"It's Jake, are you surprised he lied?"

"Good point," Heeseung quips as he stumbles under the weight of a flailing Jake, who's suddenly made it his life mission to push the limits of how miserable he can make Heeseung in one night.

"Don't you talk bad about me," Jake slurs, though the words don't come out as smoothly and it takes Jay a few seconds to crack the code of his unintelligible garble. "I can hear everything, _louuud and cleaaaar."_

"Okay, well, take care of him alright, hyung?"

Before he hears Heeseung's reply, he's already bursting into the house, pushing through throngs of dancing people to make it to the stairs. He lets the wooden banister guide him up, holding on to it like it's some kind of anchor because the lighting is so dark and the bright beams of neon lights only cut through the section of the house where he's at every three, four seconds. He makes it to the second floor anyway, and starts testing all the doors. There's an unspoken rule at parties that you shouldn't lock the doors, and while Heeseung still gets to maintain some kind of weird house owner dignity, it also means that Jay walks in on a lot of kissing people he would've preferred not to see.

It isn't till he tries the third door that he finds Jungwon, a perfect stranger, working on a puzzle in the corner of the room.

"Hey," he says, then realizes that Jungwon wouldn't hear him over the thrumming of the bass that's shaking even the very floor they're on. "Hey!" he repeats, louder this time.

Jungwon's face scrunches into immediate dislike and he shouts back, "Room's taken! Get out!"

"Sorry, I—I'm trying to escape from the mess myself!"

The boy on the floor stares up at him curiously, and it must be obvious that he isn't hammered drunk and a creep, cause Jungwon only goes back to his puzzle silently, lips pursed from annoyance. Jay squats down quite a distance from the boy and keeps the door ajar behind him. Even though he's scowling, Jungwon's still visibly perturbed and he keeps looking up like he wants to say something.

"Why?" he finally asks.

This is where Jay is lost a little. He _happened_ to be here the night they met because Sunghoon had begged for him to be his plus one. He'd claimed that he needed a little more time to sit on the Sunoo Paradox and think about it, about what he's going to say. And he might need to build up liquid courage before he can even hit call. Turns out, it'd been all for nothing because Sunghoon decides, as soon as they'd arrived and pulled into a spot a ways from the actual house, to _fuck it._ He made Sunghoon stay in the car next to him while he talked on the phone for the next hour, and it actually went surprisingly well.

They'd decided to go to the party anyway, considering how they'd already told Heeseung that they were going to come.

They went in, Jay couldn't stand the noise, and eventually found Jungwon upstairs.

But now there's no Sunghoon, no Sunoo in the equation. He can't tell Jungwon this crazy story about how his best friend had run into some stranger while he was stranded at the airport for eight whole hours, and Sunoo had been the only other Korean-speaking person on the same flight that got canceled. What's even crazier is that they got reassigned seats next to each other on the flight home, and they talked all the way back.

He's got nothing to say now.

He wonders if that'll change anything.

Jay shrugs, "Just. I came cause it's my friend's party, but I don't really like loud places. I guess I came to hide." _More specifically, to find refuge. In you._

Jungwon turns this piece of information over in his head, and Jay can _see_ him thinking.

"What about you? Why are _you_ here?" he decides to ask when the silence is stretching too long.

"My friend brought me here and then disappeared on me."

"That... sucks."

"A _lot_ ," the boy emphasizes, then inches the puzzle closer to the older boy. "It's missing a few pieces, I think. Wanna help out?"

Jay looks up, levels their gazes, and smiles. This is the moment, cemented in their history, when Jungwon returns the smile for the first time. It's also the very moment that Jay realizes with a start that this beautiful stranger's got dimples. And tonight, as he relives this memory with the pounding of terrible party music in the background, without Sunghoon anywhere near this house, Jay re-realizes all these things about Jungwon that steal the breath out of his lungs whether they're five minutes into their encounter or five years into their relationship.

"Sure," he says, as smitten as ever.

Jungwon looks up, right after he sends another piece home. Gives Jay a quizzical look, like, _I don't know you yet, but I think I will._

They're back in the car, and the sun's not setting yet.

Everything is right with the world, until Jay messes up again—he drums his fingers against the steering wheel, a habit he had long thought he'd gotten rid of. Now it's back, and when he turns to look at Jungwon like a deer in headlights, the boy has a puzzled look on his face.

"Something wrong?" he dares to ask.

Jungwon closes his eyes, inhales sharply, and shakes it off. The tension on his shoulders melts away with the long exhale he gives in the next second, then he leans forward to turn on the radio. _Joah_ by Jay Park is playing. "I never asked you! What's your family name? I'm _Yang_ Jungwon."

They laugh, because this is such a delayed introduction, but nothing about their relationship is chronologically correct anymore.

"I'm a Park."

Jungwon's grin widens even more, and his eyes curve into crescents, and _god—_ Jay's heart caves in with fondness because it makes so much sense. Only the boy with two half-moons for eyes could have enough power to hang the moon up in the sky. The boy points to the radio and giggles, "Park. _Jay Park,_ get it?"

It's such a lame joke. But it's been so long since he's heard it that it makes him happy, _so, so, irrevocably_ happy, he could cry.

He kinda does.

One blink, and he's on the steps of Jungwon's house nearly five years later, because he's done things right this time. _Everything is fine_. He checks his phone, and it displays the time over a blurry picture of the two of them kissing on the Ferris wheel. They're them. They're okay. At the back of his mind, he sees Sunghoon's face and the illusion that everything's fine crumbles momentarily, but he tucks the worry away as soon as the door opens and Jungwon's pulling him in.

There isn't a kiss, not even a hug. The smell of freshly-baked bread permeates the air and clings to Jungwon's hair.

They're still them but something's wrong—Jungwon won't look at him, and it's almost like he's refusing to.

Just like that, the younger boy disappears into the kitchen again, and the clanging of metal pots and pans draws Jay further into the house, but this time the sense of dread makes his steps a little stickier. This isn't a reunion with the Jungwon he knows—this is him, alone, venturing into the belly of a beast without any weapon to fend for himself. He doesn't know what's going on, and in situations like this, there's always the element of surprise that could pop up any moment to ruin the result of all his sacrifices.

He pads down the hallway, lingering at the archway before _really_ stepping foot into Mrs. Yang's kitchen again.

Nothing's changed, not visually. Everything is correct, right down to the detail of how the utensils are scattered in disarray all over the kitchen island. Jay wanders to the tiles on the wall to his left and his heart soars when he realizes that this is a reality where Jungwon hasn't insisted they paint over the _sharpie_ marks that stayed through all the years as a reminder that they've been fated to meet since the very start. He lets his thumb glide over the fading marks and Jungwon re-emerges into the space from the laundry room, eyes landing on the black lines as well.

"What are you doing? You're supposed to be helping me out," Jungwon says, tightly, voice strained. "And _that_ ,"—he gestures to the wall behind Jay—"please remember to paint over it some time."

"Why?" Jay asks. It's less about the _sharpie_ marks than it is about the reason why not much has changed.

There's this barrier of ice that still stands between the two of them. They're at war, and only Jay is clueless as to why again.

Jungwon brushes past him to get a tangerine, starts peeling away at it furiously. His nimble fingers make a quick work of the skin, and he discards the peel into the trash can without a single word. And he does all of this without meeting Jay's eyes.

"What's wrong? I mean, it's a memory, isn't it?"

"We aren't children anymore, Jongseong. And the thing's a fucking eyesore to look at. _Just._ " Jungwon groans, his eyes bright with unbridled anger that he can't find the right words. He just slams his fists into the countertop and says, "Just get rid of it. Please."

"Wonnie can we just talk? For a moment?"

"No." The reply comes quick, and it cuts deep. "This—please don't make this about us tonight, Jay." He stares up at the clock, then goes back to ignoring Jay, like his presence is that easily forgotten. "Sunghoon and Sunoo are going to be here any moment now, so just go set the tables. Or just leave if you aren't going to help."

"Sunghoon and—" _Sunoo?_

Jay's head starts swimming, alarms blaring. But he'd done everything _right_. This isn't supposed to happen.

Jungwon looks at him, an eyebrow raised, bafflement crossing his face, quickly followed by disgust. This is probably the first time all evening that Jungwon's stare is really not fixated on whatever's behind Jay's head. "My mum's probably five minutes away, Jay. What are you on? Are you drunk?"

"This isn't supposed to be happening."

The younger boy offers him a bitter smile. "Yeah? Well, it is. So I suggest you go wash your face or... or _something,_ to come back to your senses. This is getting old." Jay feels a tear land on his hand before he realizes that he's already crying. Jungwon's expression is softening, but he doesn't make a move to comfort him. "Jay... I love you. All your friends do, too, and we all understand that you've been through a lot, but you can't just—this can't keep happening. At the wedding— _nevermind_. This isn't the place or the time."

Jay nods.

He understands instantly where he needs to go.

"Can't believe I'm about to go to sleep tonight a married man. And I'm going to wake up _tomorrow_ a married man. And I'm going to live the rest of my life a married man, you know, _married..._ to the love of my life." Sunghoon's slapping his own cheeks in the mirror, nearly rubbing the makeup off of his face. Jay stands behind his best friend, hands on the guy's shoulders.

In their reflection, Jay catches how Sunghoon's eyes are roaming over his expression carefully, trying to figure out what's wrong.

He knows that nothing's right. Not since his father passed last month, in a fatal car crash that nearly claimed his mother's life, too. The same week Jungwon had told him that they needed a break, spend some time apart. Decisions like that aren't made lightly, but since Jay wasn't in the right state of mind to care for himself, Jungwon had ultimately moved back in to fill in that role again. They've all been very careful around Jay for some time now, treating him like he's some kind of a ticking bomb. But it's not like Sunghoon could move their whole wedding, that had been months in the planning, just for him.

It had been brought up casually before, with Sunoo suggesting that an autumn ceremony would be just as beautiful, if not more so.

Jay had been the one to insist that he wasn't going to be the reason why everyone else had to put their lives on hold. Now that he was here, he was finally doused in cold water over the head, faced with the very reality he'd been trying to avoid this whole time. As you can see, his fucking power's useless when it comes to matters of pre-destined fate.

He's gone back ten times, only to watch his father die ten different ways.

"I'm fine," he croaks, but it sounds unconvincing, even to his own ears.

"You don't have to do the speech if you don't want to, Jay."

"I have to," he says decidedly. "I'm going to make things right."

It's three hours later, after Sunghoon and Sunoo are wed in a small, intimate ceremony to much raucous applause from close friends and family, that they arrive at the part he keeps fucking up truly. It hurts to even stand here, on the podium. Every small ministration he has to make to dig the piece of crumpled paper out from his pocket feels like his muscles are cramping up or freezing in stubborn resistance. He finally gets it out, fingers trembling, when Jay thinks, _fuck it._

"Um, I'm really not sure what to say," he admits into the microphone. There's a wave of laughter that sounds unsure. In the crowd, a sea of faces, Jay's eyes find Jungwon's, and he settles into the familiarity of his silent support. Jungwon's giving him a look, like, _I'm rooting for you._

And Jay knows it's true.

"I think, in preparation for this, I've watched a few videos online for tips and tricks on how to make this the best _best man_ speech in the entire world but I don't think they've helped much." Jay fiddles with his fingers and swallows. "I don't think I've loved a lot of people my life, truthfully. But I know I love Sunghoon, who's stuck with me through years of nothing but pain and... shitty luck." There's a pause for polite laughter from everyone else, but Sunghoon's tearing up. Jay's never going to let him live this down. "I love my father, who's no longer with us today, but knows Sunghoon just as well as I do. And I also know that if he could, my father would've given everything to be here today,

"Life's unpredictable. It's cruel. It sends many people into your life that you don't want to stay—sorry, Sunghoon, but I really didn't like you at first—and some that you want to stay forever, but are going to leave. And it's funny, because a lot of the times, when it comes to people who _do_ matter, you don't get to have a say in which category they really belong to. Truth is, we were all set to collide into one another from the very start, just like how Sunoo and Sunghoon were always going to find each other, no matter the circumstances."

Sunoo smiles, and Sunghoon's hand turns to let his palm face the sky, ready to interlock his fingers with this boy he's managed to chase and find in every possible Universe.

"I've always wondered what it'd be like if I could alter fate by changing things, moving settings... avoiding certain people. But in doing all of that, you sort of miss the whole point of life. You fret over creating a perfect outcome, and soon you start losing what it feels like to be in the moment. You look forward to step after step not knowing that where you stand right now, is the exact spot you've been looking forward to all week." Jay opens his mouth, but only a laugh comes out as he tries to rearrange all the thoughts in his head. He's not sure if anyone's following. "What I'm saying is, the best way to read a book is from start to finish—you don't just jump around from one page to the other because you're too scared to face the _big bad_ in the story, just like how you can't force someone to stay in your life when they don't belong there. It's hard to find someone who stays, and despite all adversities, these two managed to find each other in the end. And I'm honored to be here, a part of this beautiful moment. I'm glad I'm a part of your story."

There's silence, Jay coughs, takes a step back.

Sunghoon stands up and he forces him into a hug, squeezing so hard all the breath's knocked out from his lungs. He fixed it. He fixed this by not wanting to fix things any longer—

And now he only has to do this once more.

They make it back home.

Jay slides into the barstool and Jungwon watches him from the couch. "Too tired to talk?" he asks the younger boy.

Jungwon's a little surprised, but he manages to say, "No, it's fine. Let's talk." His eyes are large, clear with anticipation, a thousand shades of brown, hiding an infinity of possibilities that Jay's been limiting in their relationship. He loves Jungwon, always will—he loves the boy so much that he'd give anything, and _everything_ to be his. Maybe that's the biggest problem.

"I've always had this fear of not knowing how to let you go, and now that it's time I..." Jay opens his mouth, closes it. His fingers don't stop dancing on the countertop. The silence is suffocating, pushing in like the pressure's threatening to make his lungs collapse. "It doesn't matter if I never figure it out—it's not fair for me to keep you here. It's not fair that I put all your lives on hold."

He's missed this Jungwon.

He's met this version of him for the eighth time now, but Jay's never tuned into this moment before. He's never lived these seconds knowing that this is the last time they'll pass him by. For weeks, months, and years, Jay has let himself fall back on the reliable landing that his ability provides him, and he's done it enough times to sketch the scenes out from memory, every minute detail captured. But to live like this is the last time he'll actually be _in_ the bubble of the moment before it gets stored in the back of his mind as memory—it's different. There are things he's never noticed before.

Things that first-date Yang Jungwon would never see, things that time traveling Jay Park would deliberately let himself miss.

There's a bird in Jungwon's chest that's just been uncaged, and Jay's palms are now flat on the marble.

"I'm sorry that it has to end like this, Jong-ah. I know we tried."

Jungwon's words are like a finger pulling on a spool of red thread, and it keeps unraveling. They're getting to the bottom of this, right? Red strings of fate—Jay had once thought it was tied around his finger and Jungwon's, but you'll see, if you ever build up the courage to give it a hard pull, everything unspools into nothingness. And there's nothing wrong with that. Jay wants to blame himself, wants to say, _not enough. We didn't try hard enough._ But the words never make it out his mouth because they just aren't true. Sunghoon and Sunoo were always going to find each other, whether Jay intercepted or not. Just like how he's always going to end up at crossroads with Jungwon.

_Wonnie_.

My moon.

_I wish this could've been a prettier scene._

Jay's smiling but it's all wobbly and wrong.

"It was a good run," Jungwon tells him.

He can only nod in agreement. "I really loved you, all throughout the years."

"And I never doubted that, Jong. I _don't_ doubt it." Jungwon's hopping off the coach to make his way over, and it's unreal that this feels so new when it isn't. The younger boy's pressing the callouses of his fingerpads to Jay's face, staring so intensely, it's like he's trying to piece together the puzzle in his head. They never got to complete the puzzle on the night they met—the pieces were missing, and they laughed for what felt like hours over finding stray ones from other pictures to force-fit them into the frame. Just for the sake of filling in the empty spaces.

Temporary solutions are, ultimately, temporary.

"It's just that somewhere down the line, you became a little more in love with the idea of me than, well... _me._ " Jungwon's smile turns wistful, and his head's bent at a forty-five-degree angle again. "You're associating me with all the things you like, with the happiest phase in your life. I think we held on for a little longer than we should've, just to preserve some of the stability. The world was going to shit, you know? You're the most familiar thing to me, too."

"I'm sorry," Jay apologizes, and all at once, the lead jacket's lifted off his shoulders.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Jong-ah."

_Dimples_.

He doesn't press a gentle kiss to Jay's cheeks, just retreats, slowly peeling his hand back. Somehow, that's even more visceral, cause Jay and Jungwon have always been on a collision course to meet and bounce apart. Jay hears the thudding of drawers being emptied, the sound of a duffel being zipped up.

When Jungwon leaves this time, Jay doesn't call him back.

Jungwon's always felt like the first real day of summer where you can venture into the vast world outside without needing the weight of a jacket in your bag. He's freeing, loving unconditionally with no bounds. He's the giggles shared over countless fuck-ups, the twirling that spins your head on an empty road. Jungwon holds the possibility of a rosebud in bloom.

Park Jongseong has met Yang Jungwon when there are seven point eight _billion_ people on this earth.

And that's enough.

He hadn't planned on coming back here.

But if Jay's careful not to change a single thing, this would be inconsequential, so, so harmless. After all, he's here because he _doesn't want_ to change anything. If you know what life's about to send you? Meet it headfirst. Don't let it catch you by surprise. Jay's drumming his fingers against the steering wheel as they wait for the sun to set, when that dazed, nonplussed look crosses Jungwon's face again.

"What's wrong?"

To his surprise, Jay gets an answer today.

Jungwon's leaning forward for the radio when he brushes it off, saying, "Nothing. Just some weird déjà vu..."

Jay's going to stop thinking about where things end and start living where they begin.

Right here.

He can't wait to hear that stupid Jay Park line again.

**Author's Note:**

> welp. that's a whole ass ride and now it's time for me to dip. i'll write a real, pining jaywon fic soon, but seeing as i'm 2 months away from my finals, you can really tell that my head is in a mess rn, and i wrote this as the result of my post-three-consecutive-panic-attacks episode. UMMM. if you haven't read to all that's inexplicable yet, go do it!!! it's the complete opposite of this, so that's going to be interesting
> 
> i love you all, thanks for sitting through and reading this brain fart. the idea was good before i ruined it with my bad writing 
> 
> my twitter is @ricecookerym and my curious cat is https://curiouscat.qa/ricecookerym !!!
> 
> i'll try to reply to comments!
> 
> and i promise i'll really write an actual love story for jaywon in the future! I'm not done experimenting with their dynamic!!!!


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